The thoughts and photography of Susan L Stevenson
Lisa didn’t go home. The seizures are constant now, and she has to be closely monitored so the medication can be administered properly. My brother is disappointed, but is also relieved that she’s being well-cared for. Tonight, the hospital room overflowed with family and friends - offering support to Mike and saying their goodbyes to Lisa, who is - as Mike says - “comfortably numb”. I don’t think it will be too long before God releases her from her pain.
Thank you for your prayers.
I spoke to my brother Mike tonight for quite some time. It was a very emotional conversation at times, and I could feel tears welling up in me throughout our conversation. I am so sorry for what he is facing right now, and I wish I could do something to make things better. It so hard to hear sadness and grief in a loved one’s voice.
As we were ending our phone call, he asked me for the link to my journal. I know that Lisa used to read my journal and keep up with what was going on here in Alaska, as she would email me from time to time. I gave him the link, and a few moments ago he left a comment on the entry I posted on July 15th - when I first asked for prayers for Lisa. Because he left a public comment to that entry, I don’t think he’d mind me sharing it here for all of you who have been praying for Lisa, Mike and their sons.
Sue… Enjoyed our talk at 11:11 tonight. You know what I mean. I don’t want to go to sleep tonight, because when I wake up, I’ll be taking my honey home to die. It hurts just to write it. She fought the good fight for 8 long years, and never gave in. It was, in fact, the doctor who gave in this time, telling us there is nothing more that he can do. Never once did she shy away from any treatments, as devastating and brutal they were. Cancer treatments are still so prehistoric.
The cancer has now spread from her breast to her liver, lungs, brain, bone, and adrenal gland, not to mention whatever other parts of her body that have not been CT scanned, MRIed, poked, or prodded. I’ve been with her at the hospital for the time that she’s spent here this time around, so when I get home, I’ll be sleeping in our bed for the first time, without her.
I remember as a kid, hearing the adults talk about what a “heartache” it was to lose a loved one. I now realize that the heartache is actually a tangible and very real sensation. My heart is actually breaking, and it literally hurts. Thankfully, St. Mary medical center is an awesome hospital, and had a social worker take care of the logistics involved in moving my Honey to our house, to live out her final days. They told me on Sunday that she has a “few weeks” left, but, by the looks of things, and her rapid deterioration, I’d be surprised if she’s still with us this time next week.
Three days ago she was sitting up, eating and laughing with her two nieces from Ocean City, who came up to see her. Now, she can’t eat, has had 2 seizures, and is completely without feeling down her entire right side of her body. The most devastating effect of the brain metastasis though, is that she can no longer communicate her thoughts, because one of the tumors is in her speech center. She can hear and understand, and can think complete thoughts, but can’t put into words what is on her mind. So very frustrating for both of us.
Tonight, the Hospital Clergy came and anointed her with oil, reading her her last rights. I cried like a baby. Its those moments that remind me that this is all too real, and not just a bad dream.I guess her strength, and putting on a good face through all that she’s been through, lulled me into a false sense of normalcy. Her latest condition is a real reality check.
To this point, as late as 5:00 tonight, she was able to drink from a straw, to take the meds in pill form, that weren’t flowing through her chest port(which she’s had to live with for the past 8 years). Now, even that simple ability is gone…No response to the straw being laid against her lips; the same lips that gave tender kisses last week.
Well, its 12:20 AM here, and the big move is tomorrow. Katie and Maggie, our two dogs, haven’t seen “Mommy” in over two weeks. I’m sure there’s going to be lots of licking going on. Katie, our Yorkie, found Lisa’s cancer 8 years ago, sniffing incessantly at her underarm, until she forced Lisa to take a look at the area that Katie found so interesting. That’s when she found the lump.
Katie was also there with Lisa, every second of every day that she was bedridden, after the first round of Adriomycen and Cytoxen, the 2 chemo agents were administered…Chemo agents that are so caustic that the nurses wear two sets of gloves, for fear of getting chemical burns on their skin, from mere contact…so primitive. It literally causes the patient’s eyes to cross, when first administered, like something out of nazi Germany prison camp “medical tests”…There’s got to be a better way. Well, I’ve rambled long enough. Sue, I’ll be looking for that Dove tomorrow, I’m going to need him, Love Brother Mike
My heart is breaking for my brother. I am so sad that Lisa is leaving us. I am so sad that he has to say goodbye to the love of his life. I am so sad that my nephews are losing their mother. It’s just not fair that such a vibrant and young life has been cut short!
11:11 and The Dove:
When Mike mentions 11:11, it’s a reference to the fact that since our mother passed away, and always when I’m missing her the most, I’ll glance at the clock and it will be 11:11 or 1:11. I know it sounds silly, but it happens to me at the strangest times - and always when I’m silently talking to our mother, or wishing I could talk to her. I mentioned this 11:11 thing to Mike tonight. It’s the first time I ever told him about it. That’s when he told me about the dove. It seems that Mike has the same ‘manifestation’ when he’s feeling our dad around him - but in his case, it’s a dove. Spirits? Angels? Perhaps it’s God’s way of providing us comfort? I don’t know why it occurs, but I do know that seeing those numbers brings comfort to my heart. Likewise the dove, to Mike.
The rain started yesterday morning - just sprinkles at first - and turned into a major deluge by dinnertime. Buckets fell from the sky all night long, and today I woke up to a nice pond in my front yard. There have been flood warnings issued for areas surrounding the Tanana River, as well as low points here in the Interior. For the moment, the rain has stopped, but grey skies don’t give me any hope for sunshine today.
Thank goodness we had a nice Saturday. While it started out overcast, the sun did come out later (but disappeared again later that evening). Steve participated in a golf tournament on Saturday, with a team of co-workers. It’s been five years since he’s golfed - not since we came to Alaska - and he had to brush the dust off of his golf bag. I good-naturedly teased him that the rest of the group was going to point and laugh at his lack of skills, and we both hoped it would all ‘come back to him’ once he started swinging again. Well, it did! He played a good game and kept up with the rest of the foursome. In fact, they came in first! First place netted them lots of goodies to include gift cards to a local restaurant and sporting goods store, rain jackets, t-shirts, hats, flashlights, water bottles, and a bunch of other trinkets donated by local vendors. In addition, they were fed breakfast, lunch and dinner - and it only cost him $30 to enter. The food itself, and the enjoyment of playing the sport, were worth the entry fee. He came home a happy guy.
In the meantime, I had a portrait shoot scheduled at Creamers Field. Melissa is a beautiful young woman and made my job so easy! The slightly overcast skies eliminated any shadows and squinty eyes, but the mosquitoes were a nuisance when we were walking through the boreal forest. Here’s a sampling of the photographs I took:
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We’ve had overcast skies and rain over the last week or so. Add in cooler temperatures, and it certainly doesn’t feel like summer. I’ve seen lows in the 40s when I get up in the morning, which I don’t recall seeing last year. Steve said his truck registered 36F on the way to work (4am) a couple of days ago. Fairbanks isn’t the only town in Alaska dealing with these unseasonable temps. Anchorage is having one of the coolest summers on record. Makes me happy to be living in the interior, where it’s a little warmer.
A few days ago, we had sunshine for a few hours, and we took advantage of it by weed-whacking the front yard. If not for the weeds and wildflowers, we wouldn’t have anything but dirt around our house. Every summer we plan to sow some grass, and then summer comes, and the camper and nice weather beckons, and we take to the road. Last year, we lived with mostly dirt. This year, the plant life that was turned over when the house was built, seemed to be reborn. We’ve had bluebells, prickly rose, mustard ball, horsetail, fireweed, primrose, dwarf dogwood, and fleabane growing at some point this summer. I don’t mind a wild look, but when the stuff gets to be knee high, it’s time to cut it back. The front yard is done. The back yard….. well, maybe this weekend.
What an extremely busy weekend we’ve had! This past weekend was Golden Days here in Fairbanks. Golden Days began as a way of honoring Fairbanks’ past. The city celebrates the discovery of gold - by Felix Pedro - on July 22, 1902, in a nearby creek. The discovery of gold is what led to the development of Fairbanks.
Golden Days is a week-long affair, but the weekend is when most of the residents of Fairbanks and the surrounding area come out to enjoy the festivities. As an added bonus, WEIO (World Eskimo-Indian Olympics) was also being held, which means there were many events to attend or participate in.
Steve had to work on Saturday, but that didn’t stop me from driving down to the start of the Golden Days Parade to check out the floats and different groups of participants. The morning was quite dismal, with grey skies and periods of drizzling rain. It was a bit on the chilly side too.
The many parade participants gathered at the Carlson Center and lined up for their march through town. I found a spot on the sidewalk, along with hundreds of others. The sun even made an appearance, despite the ominous clouds dotting the sky. The warmth on my face felt heavenly.
These Ladies Enjoyed their Ride!
(Click to enlarge all thumbnails)
I had a great morning today, and got some much needed exercise too.
I met Nicole and baby Maddie at Dalmans Restaurant at 8am as planned. I was already up with Steve at 3:30am, and she gets up with Maddie for her morning feeding at 5:30am, so the early breakfast worked well for both of us. The food was good, and the company was great. Maddie is adorable!
It was raining - although not terribly hard - and Nicole asked me if I was still interested in walking. I told her I would love to, but I hadn’t packed any rain gear. It wasn’t too terribly cold, and I was wearing a fleece shirt, so I figured I’d do it anyway.
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Yesterday and today, I took my camera out into my overgrown yard and snapped a few photos. Here’s what I saw…
This is a Mormon Fritillary Butterfly. These butterflies love the mustard plants which have sprouted all over my yard:
The past few days have been very low-key and restful. Steve’s still on vacation from work (until Thursday), and we’ve been taking advantage of the downtime to make the craters in the sofa even deeper, sleeping late, and burning up the batteries in the TV remote. It’s amazing how exhausting a vacation can be!
I had plans to work in the yard today, but that didn’t happen. What has me so pre-occupied is setting up my new laptop and getting used to the quirks of Microsoft VISTA.
I finally did it… I replaced my old dinosaur of a laptop! My old laptop was the one I bought specifically for the move to AK; the one I did all my trip journaling on, and then later this journal. It lasted more than 5 years, and served me well, but with its 40GB hard drive, and very slow processor, it just wasn’t working efficiently for me any longer. Lately it’s started shutting down when I asked it to do too many things at once - which caused me to launch into a long tirade of expletives that just might make a sailor blush. Steve couldn’t take it anymore. *grin*
I only hope that this laptop serves me as long as the last one did. So far, so good.
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While we were traveling, I received an email from THE STASH, letting me know that there was a proceeds check waiting for me at the store. That was exciting news, but I had no clue what had sold.
Steve and I stopped in, while we were out checking out laptops, and I discovered that several of my greeting cards had sold, as well as some notecard sets I had put together. Rachael (co-owner of The Stash) then informed me that some of my framed and matted photographs had sold earlier this month.
When I looked at my “wall”, I noticed that two of my largest prints were gone (11×14 mounted/framed to 16×20). A woman had come in and purchased both prints for her home! It is always so very satisfying to me, to know that my work is being enjoyed in someone else’s home. Of course Steve gave me a big hug and kiss and told me how happy he was for me. I should have been the one giving out the hugs and kisses, as he has always been my biggest supporter and cheerleader.
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We officially canceled our bear viewing trip for September 13th. I feel sad about it, but at the same time, we have to be realistic about the situation. There are no guarantees that we’d be able to fly to Katmai, and the money we’d spend on fuel and lodging to get to Homer - plus the cost of the trip itself - would pretty much fill our heating oil tank. With winter only a few months away, we have to prioritize. We’ll try again next summer - hopefully.
I’m just glad that we’ve been able to travel as much as we have. And we still have one more roadtrip planned for August - to Valdez. But it was sobering to see the costs involved in the two trips we’ve already taken. Fuel alone (the truck only gets about 10mpg when towing the camper), was a hefty $1300. This year’s summer trips were saved for throughout the year, so it was in our budget, but who knows what the situation will be like next year? There may not be much to put towards summer traveling with heating oil costing almost $5/gallon.
We sent in our applications for the Denali Road Lottery. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that we win this year. If we do, we’ll have one final trip of the season to do. Thank goodness Denali is only 125 miles from here. The lottery weekend is September 13th-17th. It just so happens that Steve’s off for his 7-days at that time, so any day would work for us.
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On a more personal note….
Please continue to keep my SIL Lisa and her family in your prayers. I talked to my brother Mike tonight, and Lisa is back in the hospital with a very low platelet count. She was admitted the first time because of seizures. She developed a brain tumor(s), from the breast cancer spreading. She had radiation treatments, which shrunk the tumor, but they think that perhaps the seizure medication she was prescribed is what is causing the low platelet count. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be in the hospital. Mike and I had to end our call, when Lisa’s dinner came. I’m going to try to call him again tomorrow and see how things are.
It’s been a real tough battle for Lisa, and she’s a real trooper. I am in awe of her courage and determination to beat this horrid disease. She’s fought so hard, and I know she’ll continue to fight. My thoughts and prayers are with her, my brother Mike, and their two sons, Michael and David.
What an awesome “almost” month it’s been for us! We covered a lot of miles (and put a lot of gas in the tank), but it was worth the expense, to spend so much time exploring our beloved state! The summer’s not over yet, and we have a couple more adventures ahead of us. But for now, we’re home. And, despite the fun of traveling, it’s always good to get home.
The last time I wrote, we were leaving Homer and making our way back to Palmer for the night, before driving across the Glenn Highway to the Chitina area. As always, we stopped at Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage to stock up on food and fuel. Gas was $4.29/gallon on base - a bargain when compared to the $4.40-something we’re being gouged here in Fairbanks. And groceries are always so much less expensive at the commissary; we’re glad to have shopping privileges.
We woke to rain in Palmer, and were slow in breaking camp and getting on the road. A quick glance at the local newspaper showed clearer skies in the Glennallen part of the state, as well as warmer temps. We ran into some road work along the Glenn Hwy - but this is customary. The pilot cars were most efficient, and the wait times weren’t too terrible. (more…)
