I haven’t read your journal since last weekend, and am so sad to hear of your loss. I have prayed for Lisa and for the rest of your family. Words at a time like this do not come easily. I have lost loved ones in my life and there is a hole in both your heart and your life. I know that Lisa is, at last, at peace and without pain and suffering for the first time in 8 years. I know that she will be watching over all of you. My prayers go out to all of you. God Bless you all.

My name is Lisa Ann Smalley and I have been a breast cancer survivor for 8 years now. I am married to my best friend Mike, who I’ve known since I was 16, and am the Mother of two boys, Michael and David.

I’m happy to say that I celebrated my 46th birthday this past Sunday May 4th, and my 25th wedding anniversary yesterday, May 7th.

I want to thank Dr Somers for asking my husband and me to be here. When Doctor Somers called and asked me to speak tonight I said, “sure, great, I’ll do it”. But when I hung up the phone, I thought, “oh no, how am I going to do this? How am I going to fit 8 years into a few short moments”? But there is no way I could ever say no to Dr Somers. He may be my doctor, but more importantly, he is “our friend”. He is a special spirit, a cancer survivor himself, who was and continues to be a guiding light in in our lives. He treats us as if we were his own children and has carried us along through it all and we love him.

My husband who is the writer in our family, came home from work with a twelve page speech for me to read tonight, I think the only thing he left out was my blood type. So we trashed that and went with Dr Somers advice which has never failed us. That advice was, “ speak from my heart.”

As for my background:

While getting dressed one day I noticed a small, pee size lump in my left breast.

The lump was biopsied and found to be cancerous

I had numerous lumpectomies

A mastectomy with no lymph node involvement

Reconstruction with tissue expanders

Chemo, radiation

Oh, and about this time my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Again Dr Somers was our “Go to Guy” and directed us once again in the right path.

A few years later I noticed my gate changing, I developed a limp. I saw an orthopedic doctor and he told me my cancer had spread to different areas in my bones but in particular to my left femur.

I had surgery to place a metal rod into my left femur to support the bone

More radiation and some chemo

I was on Herceptin for two years and I am now on the newest cancer targeting medication called Tykerb.

My profession was a dance instructor and at the time I was teaching dance to 3 to 5 year olds. Yet another challenge.

When I was given the news that I had breast cancer, I was home alone in my bedroom. When I hung up the phone, you can imagine what was going through my mind. Everything was in every direction. I walked out of my bedroom and in front of me were the bedroom’s of my two sons. That’s when I lost it. I went into “Mamma Bear” mode and immediately thought, “I have to protect my sons”. It was as if something I couldn’t touch or reason with was trying to harm them, and I felt helpless.

At the time my oldest son Michael was 16 and my youngest, David, was 14. Michael was just entering high school. This was suppose to be a really happy time, and I felt as their Mother, I was ruining everything for them.

Both Mike and I reassured them that everything would be fine, and I made them promise to do good in school, enjoy there lives outside of school, and not to let this illness affect them to a point were it was paralyzing their ability to strive and move forward with their lives.

I’d like to add that the boys thought it was so cool that their Mom could get them to the head of the line for every ride and attraction while we vacationed in Disney World. One of the cancer “perks”, as we called them! When it came time for my husband to shave my head, my youngest, David, insisted that he shave his head too…. Both now bald, we turned to look at my oldest son Michael, who said “ NO WAY !” But that was okay.

With support from our wonderful family and a close circle of our very best friends, we found our way. In particular, our good friends, Dolores and Nick Esposito, who invited us over for countless dinners when they knew I wasn’t really comfortable going out into public because I was bald, or didn’t feel so great. And Dolores dropping off meals, so my kids didn’t have to eat cereal for dinner. We were well fed and supported by them and their family. All the phone calls, prayers, and well wishes helped lift us up.

While I was on chemo, most of the day I would lay in bed. At about 3:15 I’d get myself up, put on some make-up and my bandanna, and stand in the kitchen waiting for my boys to return from school. I wanted them to see and feel that there was hope, that I was still the Mom they knew just like always. Then after dinner I would go up to my bedroom, close the door, and wait for my husband to come home from work. It was a relief to know that someone I could show the raw emotion to, would soon be with me. It was a release from the acting and the protecting.

My husband always calls me “The Bull”. Being born in May, under that sign is not my fault. But I think that bullheadedness is what helps me to survive. I don’t like being characterized as, “the sick woman” or the “cancer patient”. Thats not who I am. Thats not my spirit. Being headstrong and having set my plans for the future, I was furious that this things was ruining everything, so I decided to accept it, fight back, and fight back hard.

In the beginning I had made deals with God…. Just let me see the boys graduate high school…. Just let me see the boys go to college…. Just let me see them with good jobs and able to go out in the world and survive on their own. As the boys were growing up I’d save toys that were special to them, things that I wanted my grandchildren one day to play with and I stored them in a closet in my house. Now what I’m hoping for is to see my sons happily married, and my ultimate wish, for my grandchildren to ask me if “they can go into the closet and play with the toys that Daddy use to play with”. And my bullheadedness just might get me there.

Being a dance instructor has always been my love, my outlet, my stress release. If you peek into my kitchen window any given Saturday or Sunday morning, you may see me dancing around the kitchen to Chorus Line or my favorite “Chicago”! Mike will deny this, but he joins in too! We laugh, plan our day, simple things are always the best and most full filling. I’ve read spiritual books, my favorite being “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. If everyone read this book and followed his teachings the world would be a much better place.

In closing I’d like to say that my boys are now men. They both graduated from high school with honors. They both graduated from College. Michael is 23 , is a Network Engineer and just purchased his first house. David is 21 and works for Bensalem Police Dept, Building A better Bensalem, and is a youth counselor for troubled teens. Together we are not just surviving, we are thriving. As my favorite author, Eckhart Tolle would say, we are living in the now, and life is good.