Christmas
I have a private journal in which I pen my more personal thoughts, and I’ve done some writing over the past couple of days. If you’ve been reading me for a while, you may already know that the holidays can be a difficult time for me because I miss family members who are no longer here, as well as family members who are far away geographically.
I try my hardest to find the joy in the season, and mostly I’m successful. But sometimes that joy is tempered by sadness - a sadness that hovers there, just under the surface, just waiting for me to let down my guard.
On Christmas Eve day, I found myself reminiscing about Christmas past. I wrote this in my private journal:
Today, I read a blog entry from a friend, in which she wrote about visiting her father-in-law at the nursing home where he is being cared for. Another of our mutual friends had commented to her entry, and wrote about her yearly visit to the local nursing home, to sing Christmas carols for the residents. She wrote that the residents loved the singing but loved the company even more.
I started to cry when I read that, because it triggered a memory of my mom, and what a loving and caring heart she had.
When we were little, my dad was laid off for several months. He picked up some odd jobs here and there, but - for the first and only time ever - my mom had to help out financially. My mom found a job working in the laundry room at the neighborhood nursing home.
My mother was such an outgoing and loving woman, that she soon took on the chore of delivering the clean laundry to the residents. Their clothing items were marked with a name or a room number, so she knew who they belonged to. She always spent a few moments with each person, because she realized that whether it was an hour or 3 minutes, they were appreciative of a smile and a “How are you today?”.
One Halloween, when we were fairly young, my mom asked the manager if she could bring us by to show the residents our costumes. They agreed, and not only did my mom take us down to the home, but she picked up some of our friends and took them too. All we did was parade by the residents in the day room, but they were so happy to see us. My mother stopped to say a few kind words to each and every one of them.
I also remember that Thanksgiving, when Mom sat the four of us down to craft Thanksgiving day turkeys by tracing our fingers and then decorating the shapes with crayons and glitter. We made dozens of them. Again, she took us to the nursing home, and we visited the residents and taped the turkeys on their walls where they could see them.
And then it was Christmas. I have to admit that none of us was very thrilled about visiting a nursing home on Christmas Eve. We were only kids, and I guess all that mattered to us was the presents we’d find under the tree. I remember me and my brothers whining “Do we have to?”, “Why do we have to go there and see old people?”, etc. (Narcissistic brats, weren’t we?)
But, as always, Mom won - and we drove off to the nursing home. There was a crowd of people in the dayroom, and one of the nurses played the guitar, and we sang Christmas carols. After singing to the group in the dayroom, Mom took us to some of the individual rooms, to sing to the patients who couldn’t get out of bed, or who seemed to live in their own little world. And Mom always gave them a hug or a kiss on the cheek, even if their eyes weren’t open.
My mother was such a loving person. The gift she so freely gave to others, was herself. She’d lend an ear, she’d lend a shoulder, and she’d give a smile. It’s no wonder she was loved dearly by so many.
I miss her today, more than anything. And I am so thankful that I have these beautiful memories of her. I wish I would have realized how special a woman she was, when I was that little girl singing to old people in a nursing home. I wish I would have understood just how wonderful a gift our company was to those people, instead of wishing the time would pass quickly and I could get home to my friends and presents.
Mostly, I wish that - for one day - I was that little girl again, and I was going caroling with my mom.
I miss you mommy.
I cried after writing that. I was alone here, waiting for Steve to get home from work, and feeling the blues pretty strongly. I know I’m not alone in these feelings. There are many people - like me - who spend Christmas missing those they love, whether those people have left this earth permanently, or live far away.
I thought that perhaps Christmas Day would be different. Steve would be home, we were going to have a delicious dinner, and we planned to go for a drive and look at Christmas lights after we ate. But yesterday started off badly. It took about 30 minutes of Steve’s consoling and “get it out of my system” sobbing before I was able to shake the feeling of being alone.
I don’t know why I feel this way at Christmas. I don’t find myself wallowing in sadness at any other time of the year. I guess it’s all the in your face *Family, Food, Presents, Caroling, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy* stuff that pushes me to this place where I feel like something is missing in my life. And that’s really the furthest thing from the truth! I love my life. I love where I live, I love the friends I have, and I have a happy life with Steve.
Perhaps it’s the memories of Christmas past that trigger the sadness. Memories of a happier time, when my parents and my grandparents were still alive, and our large extended family would gather around the dinner table indulging in too much food, and sharing constant laughter. I miss those days.
I did snap out of my sad mood eventually. It was a beautiful winter day, and fresh snow fell for a little while. The squirrel and chickadees entertained me as I prepared dinner. Steve helped by peeling and chopping potatoes, carrots, and onions, and also trimming up the fresh green beans. I filled a large cooking bag with a roast, potatoes, carrots, onions, and beefy onion soup, and popped it in the oven. We steamed the green beans with garlic, baked a loaf of garlic bread, and uncorked a bottle of wine. Everything was absolutely delicious, and there are plenty of leftovers to enjoy while Steve’s off this week.
After dinner, we took a drive around town to look at Christmas lights. We drove to a neighborhood that we thought would have a lot of lights, and there weren’t many. This year, I didn’t see a list of homes published in the newspaper, or the drive would have been more focused. So we made our way to Pioneer Park, and then downtown to Golden Heart Plaza, and I took some photographs of the brightly lit cabins and figures.
The lights in Pioneer Park always lift my spirits. I love that they keep them lit all winter, so I can enjoy them whenever I need a pick-me-up. It’s especially peaceful when you walk through Gold Rush Town alone - and last night, we were the only ones there.
Today was a very relaxing day for us. We had a big breakfast, smaller lunch, skipped dinner, and went straight for the apple pie and ice cream! It’s about 6pm AK time, and we’re probably going to finish out the day watching a movie or two. I’m feeling so much better today, and have turned my thoughts to 2009 and what the new year has in store for us. And Hawaii is only about a month away, and I know that the time is going to fly!
And now… time for the Christmas lights:
“In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary.”
~ Aaron Rose, Photographer ~
Frosty Paws Ice Cream Shop
Tanana Valley Railroad Museum, Pioneer Park
Park Office decked out with lights:
Pano showing Park Office, and Palace Saloon (blue lights) in distance:
Pioneer Park shops - closed for winter:
Another view of the shops and the park office:
Gold Rush Town - all the lights in the park are now LED:
Judge Wickersham’s House - now a museum:
First Presbyterian Church:
Golden Heart Plaza. You can see it via webcam here: http://www.festivalfairbanks.org/webcam1.html (streaming)
Frozen Chena River, and Pedestrian Bridge lit with blue lights.
Until next time…
Dearest Susan, How I was reading your words and could actually put myself in those paragraphs! I had just written a post about cherishing the only Grandparent we have left and then read your thoughts here. Your tribute and sweet memories of your Mom are amazing. Indeed she must have been a very very special person.
May God bless your road ahead in 09.
[Reply]
Comment by Another Susan — December 26, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
Susan, your light show is fabulous. They would make great Christmas cards.
Hope you are feeling a lot better; seems like something always happens during the holiday season for us. In ways it puts a damper on it, but in others it just makes me appreciate what we do have.
You are so lucky to have had the mom you had and you have such good memories!
[Reply]
Comment by Rose — December 27, 2008 @ 7:51 am
Susan I can not begin to tell you how much I really enjoyed reading your Journal this time Susan Let me say one thing If you don’t have memories of the past You don’t have anything You may have the present and look to the future Don’t ever forget the past You will remember some of hard times Don’t ever forget the wonderful times you had in your life along with your loved one Just also rememeber Those that have passed away in your life are right in heaven looking down on you this minute Just have the faith in God and I feel everything will be alright I feel it is perfectly alright to cry some It showed how you feel about the lost one and how you miss the ones that is not with you They will always be with you in your heart
How wonderful those pictures are of all the lighted houses and places Everything is so beautiful We are
Really so Happy that you and Steve has such a wonderful Christmas I know that you are just waiting for your well deserved trip to Hawaii
Take care Our Love to you both John and Shirley
[Reply]
Comment by John & Shirley Strauser — December 27, 2008 @ 9:30 am
Susan,
Your latest post really struck a chord for me, in several ways.
I too feel sad at Christmas. I miss those who’ve left me and those who live so far away. I also miss the innocence of a time I feel we’ve lost. Sometimes those lost days make me saddest of all. Christmas was such a wondrous time when I was growing up, and like you, for me it was all about family and love and tables loaded with food. But I’m so grateful for the memories and for what I’ve got now. My daughter and her family live in Fairbanks; I have wonderful friends and a full life. I think maybe a few tears at Christmas are cleansing. I watch all the nostalgic movies and cry the whole time - and I feel better when I’m done, and look forward to the new year with hopes for better times for all.
I loved reading about your visits to the nursing home. I grew up in rural PA, 5 miles north of a town of 900 people. About 10% of that population were residents of 3 nursing homes. In Girl Scouts we would make little gifts to take to the residents at Christmas and other holidays. We would also visit each home to sing Christmas carols. There were times when I would have preferred to be somewhere else, but I can still remember the smiles on the faces of those residents, and their applause and thanks. My mother worked for one of the nursing homes when I was older, no longer a Girl Scout, and she told me how much the visits meant to those residents. Many of them had no family visiting them, and the church youth and scout visits were truly highlights for them.
I love the various seasons depicted at the top of your page, and your Christmas light photos are awesome.
May you and Steve have a healthy, safe and blessed 2009.
Linda
[Reply]
Comment by Linda Douglass — December 27, 2008 @ 11:37 am
Susan,
As always, I appreciate your open sharing and your photography. Your calendar for 2009 is on my wall waiting for the new year. May 2009 be a happy and healthy new year for you and your family.
Susan
[Reply]
Comment by Susan — December 27, 2008 @ 4:56 pm
OH Susan, what beautiful memories you have of your mother. She knew how much you kids didn’t like going but she also knew what it would mean to you when you were all grown up and you looked back on your childhood memories, reminded of her and her love for others. Those are wonderful memories you will always cherish. Look at how much compassion she taught you and your brothers, it shows in how you treat others. If you wouldn’t have had your sad moments on Christmas day, you wouldn’t have been thinking of those wonderful memories of your mom and family. So those sad episodes are just our minds way of bringing our loved ones back to us on these special days.
Yesterday was my 40th bday and my sister gave me the most wonderful gift I have ever received. She made me a photo album of ‘the first 40 years’ of my life. It starts at my birth and goes to now. She went through the photo albums of our childhood and put together my life. It is the most precious gift I own. I bawled like a baby from the first page to the last. Seeing the photos of me and my grandparents who I miss dearly, of past animals we had etc…just the memories that were brought back to me, it was really emotional! I will always treasure it. As The Strausers said, “if you don’t have memories, you don’t have anything”. Your mom raised a very warm, caring, loving daughter, just like herself. All the ways you describe her, you are describing what we all see in you.
[Reply]
Comment by LynnMN — December 28, 2008 @ 9:10 am
Susan,
You are so wonderfully honest. Many of us have those lonely feelings at Christmas even when we are in a crowded room. It is definitely a time for thinking of our past joys. Your mother may have even had some of those feelings, but she filled her time with her children and giving to others. If I have learned anything in this life it is that to get through sorrow all we have to do is bring joy to others. As the director of an adult day care program for geriatrics I can only confirm what you already know. The visits to elderly give them back something they have lost. Long after the visits are over they talk about their visitors and compare notes regarding which resident had the cutest, sweetest, or most attentive visitors. It brings them joy beyond description. Susan, you do the same thing. Your journal and your photographs lift spirits every single day of the year. The calenders I gave for Christmas gifts brought gasps of awe and wonder and praise for your talent and sharing. Take comfort, my long distance friend, in all that you do for others. You are your mother’s child in so many ways!
I wish you the happiest of new years!
P.S. Do you think the extended hours of darkness just may have a little something to do with your sadness? Perhaps a little full spectrum lighting might just help
[Reply]
Comment by Charlene — December 28, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
Can’t wait til tommorrow. Get to use my new calendar. Already have it up. Looking forward to seeing more of AK. Love your pictures. I need to learn to take them like you. Beautiful.
Tammy
[Reply]
Comment by Tammy — December 31, 2008 @ 7:52 am
Whelp, I waited til New Years Eve to enjoy your latest writings. Love you. Oh those holidays - this one was a complete flip-flop at the last minute (disappointed) and ended up being the most memorable in a long long time! I look forward to seeing you after you return from Hawaii! It will be time for a cuppa coffee. Oh, and one of your calendars is in Iraq and the other in Texas. *sniff* If you have any more for sale, I’ll take one! Otherwise… I’ll scrounge around my husband’s office!
See you soon! I’m on a much needed vacation this week and with these temps… haven’t left the house in 3 days. Cabin Fever time! (((HUGS))) KC
[Reply]
Comment by Karen — December 31, 2008 @ 7:22 pm
Your photos are beautiful - so serene. I understand how christmas can be sad. My boyfriend died this past August (a motor cycle accident) and my sister died this past march - illness. I’ll never get over my only son’s suicide in January 2005. so I also, was very numb & uncelebrating this year.
Just a thought, are there nursing homes in Fairbanks? Why not carry on your mom’s kind deeds there at christmas? I’m sure todays seniors would appreciate a little of your time just as much as those of bygone years appreciated your singing and crafts back then. carole
[Reply]
Comment by carole- center line,mi — January 3, 2009 @ 6:13 am